I knew today was a "fake it until you make it" day. (a quote from my wise friend Kelly Lautenbach) I was faking it pretty well until I got to my doctor's office for my pre-op. This is my family physician, my friend, who is different from my ob/gyn, and who didn't know about my diagnosis until the minute before he stepped in the room. He couldn't even look at me. He was having the emotions I was three weeks ago, and I tend to forget that this could be a surprise to people who care about me. He said that breast cancer is the nastiest, meanest, most aggressive cancer in young women. When I asked him if he thought I would make it through, he did not answer. I tried so hard to fake it at that point, and I'm still trying, but it is taking every bit of my resolve to get past the fact that a physician thinks my prognosis is bad. I was supposed to go to the Attorney General's office after that, but I couldn't. All I wanted to do was call Melissa and have her tell me that the doctor is full of crap. But what if he isn't? What if he's being honest and everyone else has been full of crap? He said that this would kill me, if not now, then in the future. How do I process that? I'm not one to wallow, but this is going to take some serious positive self-talk on my part to get past.
I am grieving for my former life. The life of complaining about work, of making cards, of going places with the kids, of paying bills, of thinking about the future, all without knowing anything about cancer and all of its collateral issues. My biggest thing was looking forward to the Dec/Jan issue of Paper Crafts, because I have a project in there about me and Steph. I still have all of those things in my life, but not in the same way. The cloud of cancer hangs above everything. It's so hard and I don't want it. There, I said it. I am having a moment of feeling sorry for myself. So sue me. I will get over it, I just needed a moment.
Now I'm going to put on my big girl panties and do what needs to be done. I have always been deathly afraid of IV's and general anesthesia, to the point where I throw up a lot as soon as I get to the hospital, but guess what? I have to do it tomorrow. There's no going back now. I'm getting myself a "fake it 'til you make it" tee shirt. This is the best way I know how to make myself feel better, and that's to talk myself out of it. And I have. Sorry if I depressed anyone along the way.:-p